Have you ever sat down and through to yourself, “I wonder what else I could do with this bourbon? I mean…It’s tasty but does it have any more practical purposes?” I thought so. Well even if this post does nothing else than provide you with some interesting conversation piece at your next sausage-fest, the March issue of Esquire Magazine provides us with the answer to that very question! Here are a few alternative uses for that bourbon that has been on your shelf since you bought your house:
Mouthwash. Ethanol kills the bacteria that live in your mouth by denaturing their proteins and dissolving their lipids.
Local Anesthetic. Interferes with neutral signal transmission, slowing the function of your nervous system but can cause tissue damage due to its ability to break down cells, so it should not be poured on open wounds.
Cough Suppressant. A hot toddy can help beat a cold. The vapor breaks up mucus and honey soothes the throat.
Temporary Vivaciousness. Easy.
Looking for a good workout but don’t have a medicine ball? You could be in luck. The March issue of Men’s Health (with Matt Damon on the cover) provides a cost-effective way to turn an old basketball into an awesome piece of workout gear.
Step 1: Use a pair of needle-nose pliers to remove the rubber plug from the basketball. Set the plug aside.
Step 2: Insert a funnel with a tip small enough to fit into the ir hole. Fill the ball entirely with a fine-grain play sand. A 50-pound bag will make three medicine balls.
Step 3: Brush rubber cement in and around the rim of the air hole. Immediately plug the hole with the rubber stopper, using the nedle-nose pliers to push the stopper in if needed.
Step 4: Brush more rubber cement over the stopper. Allow it to dry.
Well here we are again. More rules of life by Esquire…rules of life, because being a man has gotten much harder.
Rule No. 7: Wow is not a verb.
Rule No. 8 : Sitcom characters watching porn always tilt their heads.
Rule No. 9: In movies, Italians can play Jews and Jews can play Italians, but neither Jews nor Italians can play Lutherans.
Rule No. 10: Actors are short. Comedians are shorter.
Rule No. 11: There is nothing that can be marketed that cannot be better marketed by using the voice of James Earl Jones.
Rule No. 12: No talking at the urinal.
The latest issue of Men’s Journal Magazine (the one with a sick green Triumph Scrambler motorcycle on the cover) has a segment called “Survival Skills with Bear Grylls” in which they ask him a series of questions about adventuring, survival, manliness and his active life. One of the questions they asked? What is one skill that every man should have? Bear’s answer? The ability to start a fire with your car battery. “I’ve had to do this a lot while camping with my family when I didn’t have matches or a lighter.”
Step 1: run your fingers through the grass. The dead stuff will come off in your hands.
Step 2: Create a little bird’s nest with this dry grass. Then run your jumper cables to it and ignite it.
Step 3: Add the ignited grass to a big pile of kindling, and you’ll have your fire.
There is a great highlight in the newest Details magazine (March, the one with The Social Network’s Andrew Garfield on the cover) of the new ShowWX+ projector by Microvision. They say “time will only tell if Microvision’s ShowWX+ is mentioned in the same breath as the camera obscura or IMAX, but for now it’s the palm-size reason to give up your flat-screen. The size of a cell phone, the projector connects directly to your iPod, iPhone or iPad (or, with an adapter, to a laptop or digital camera). Aim it at a dark wall and view high-resolution photos, TV shows, sales graphs – anything you have stored – at up to 100 inches wide. Just like that, your home video collection is a movable filmfest.”
Men. While almost all manly posts on this butch blog come from magazines, there are rare exceptions. This post is one of those exceptions. There is a hilarious and entertaining book by Thomas Fink entitled “The Man’s Book: The Essential Guide for the Modern Man” that I will be posting about over the course of the next few weeks. Not only is the information funny, it is stuff that most people don’t write about. For example, today’s post is that of the public bathroom: rules, etiquette and general information:
THE PUBLIC BATHROOM
There is an unstated code of conduct in men’s bathrooms that, while more instinctive than prescriptive, remains surprisingly universal.
1. Rules of Conduct:
No Pairing. Unlike women, men visit the lavatory for entirely practical reasons, and it is suspect to immediately follow a friend to the bathroom.
No Talking. Terse conversation in the bathroom can take place either before or after, but not during, use of the urinals.
No Looking. Eyes should be aimed straight ahead or down in concentration; glances toward your neighbor are very suggestive.
No Touching. Hands should be in front of you. A bump of the elbows can be deflated by a sober apology, but without turning the head.
2. Optimal Strategy
When faced with an array of urinals to choose from, which one should you take? The basic idea is that the distance between users should be maximized, at the same time minimizing a newcomer’s chance of getting too close. The latter makes the end-most urinals highly desirable. Never go between two men if it can be avoided.
3. Loo Man
The symbol for a man’s public bathroom is a stylized profile of a man standing with his arms down. Unlike the Mars symbol for a man (A arrow emanating from a circle and pointing northeast; believed to represent a sword and a spear) it is a pictogram: its meaning can be deduced from its shape. The male bathroom symbol differs from the female one in having broader shoulders and straight legs as opposed to a flared dress. Do not mix them up.
Esquire has compiled a fantastic book called “The Rules: a Man’s Guide to Life.” complete with the tagline “revised and updated – because being a man has gotten much harder. The book is phenomenal…they could actually be tweets (get on that, Esquire!) because they all seem to be under 140 characters. Some are serious how-to-behave rules and others are just comedic. My plan is to release one page worth of rules every day, and today are rules 1-6. I hope you enjoy this recurring segment on manliness!
Rule No. 1: When Aliens talk, they never use contractions.
Rule No. 2: Old people always have exact change.
Rule No. 3: Do not trust a man who calls the Men’s Room “the little boys’ room.”
Rule No. 4: When someone says he is “pumped” about something, it really means he is about to do something stupid.
Rule no. 5: Women who sound sexy on the radio weight 377 pounds.
Rule No. 6: For every Tom Hanks, there is a Peter Scolari.
And there you have it! I hope you enjoyed the first post on the random and humorous RULES by Esquire. Check back every day to learn and laugh with each new rule.